Tuesday, June 01, 2010

Corporate bingo (or: Come back Tyler Durden, all is forgiven)

Where I work, they love corporate buzzwords. Part of my job is taking minutes for various committees. An idea me and a colleague had was to play corporate bingo during committee meetings. Anyone who works in an office can play corporate bingo. Rule off some pieces of card so you’ve got a grid, blank out some of the squares and fill in the others with a random selection of buzzwords and phraseology. Things like: “going forward”, “take ownership”, “peg in the sand”, “incentivize”, “maximize”, “core audit”, “value equation”, “brand specific” (you know the kind of thing: sounds really urgent and important until you think about it for a couple of seconds and then you realize it’s meaningless fucking twaddle). Then you cross each phrase off whenever some irony-challenged stiff suit uses it. Once you’ve crossed off all the phrases on your card, shout “House!” very loudly and declare that your prize is an early finish, then repair to the nearest pub with a like-minded colleague.

(Note: The Agitation of the Mind accepts no responsibility for any disciplinary action or dismissals that may occur as a result of playing corporate bingo.)

Okay. Let’s have a practice round in this entry:

Last month, The Agitation of the Mind focused on brand specifics, maximizing the Clint Eastwood category. It was a win-win initiative, but it’s important at this juncture that we put a peg in the sand and analyze our Operation 101010 targets. Then we can Gantt chart our primary objectives and develop a blog continuity plan.

Clint Eastwood movies
1. Coogan’s Bluff
2. The Beguiled
3. Play Misty for Me
4. High Plains Drifter
5. The Eiger Sanction
6. Escape from Alcatraz
7. Heartbreak Ridge
8. Dirty Harry
9. The Enforcer
10. The Outlaw Josey Wales

Werner Herzog movies
1. Little Dieter Needs to Fly
2. Wings of Hope

1. My Neighbour Totoro
2. Sky Blue
3. Ponyo

1. All the Colours of the Dark
2. Blood Stained Shadow
3. The Black Belly of the Tarantula
4. Baba Yaga

1. The Aristocrats
2. An Inconvenient Truth
3. Anvil: The Story of Anvil
4. Iron Maiden: Flight 666

1. Amarcord
2. Winter Light
3. All About My Mother

1. Intolerable Cruelty
2. Kissing Jessica Stein
3. In the Loop
4. Kick-Ass

1. Sylvia

Impulse buys
1. Rise: Blood Hunter
2. Stoned
3. The Oxford Murders

Films with numbers in the title
1. The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada
2. 49th Parallel

A core audit of the gialli, documentary and comedy categories shows acceptable numbers, but we need to incentivize where the Herzog, biopics and number in the title lists are concerned. Nottingham’s Broadway Cinema delivered a brand specific opportunity last week and I took ownership of seeing ‘Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans’, so we’re confident we can ramp up the numbers for the next audit.

A couple more Eastwood reviews can be cross-branded to positively impact the numbers in the title and documentary figures; easy wins here. Going forward, June sees a re-launch of Something For The Weekend; eye candy sells and we already have brand familiarity. The Jean-Pierre Jeunet retrospective, already seeded in our sidebar ad campaign, is going to be the subject of a major roll out in the second half of the month. We’re hoping for big numbers and key demographics …

Has anyone called “House!” yet?


Thank fuck for that. I don’t think I could have carried on writing like this. Next post: movie reviews and plain English.


Franco Macabro said...

Wow dude! Working in an office can really get to you! Sometimes when they start talking their psychobabble about marketability, rentability and liquidity and what not, I just go to white noise in my mind or simply plan out my next screenplay or film!

Looking forward to whatever the Agitatio of the Mind has in store for the future! Always looking forward to your posts Neil!

Simon said...

Ugh, I dread joining the work force.

I'd go for the retrospective thing.

Neil Fulwood said...

Francisco - I had the chore of having to take minutes in a meeting today. What you said about white noise: that's exactly what the discussion in the meeting room turned into after about 15 minutes. A couple of times I zoned out, only to come back to myself in a panic that I should have been writing things down!

Simon - three questions: do you have a car? do you have a mortgage? do you have dependents? If you're answering "no" to most of these then, brother, stay the hell away from the rat race for as long as you can!