Sunday, December 19, 2010

WINTER OF DISCONTENT: Strip Nude for Your Killer

This is purely hypothetical – mere conjecture on my part – and I would ask anyone who represents the director or producers of ‘Strip Nude for Your Killer’ to please bear this in mind – as well as the fact that there is no malice whatsoever intended in these remarks – but I reckon the first production meeting for ‘Strip Nude for Your Killer’ (in its equally unambiguous Italian title: ‘Nude per l’Assassino’) went something like this:

“Andrea, baby, we’ve got a great script for you. A giallo. It’s gritty, it’s pacy, it deals with contentious subject matter. It screams you, baby.”

“I’d rather make a porno.”

“But Andrea, this has got huge box office all over it. Edwige’s schedule is good. We’ve got Femi Benussi on board. Hell, this movie is going to be filled with gorgeous women.”

“Cool. Let’s make it a porno.”

“No, no, no. It’s a murder mystery. Hell, we can throw in some nude scenes, but first and foremost it’s a mystery. It starts with a really gritty and controversial scene as an abortion goes wrong and the two men involved conspire to cover up the girl’s death.”

“Guys, why don’t we scrap the abortion and concentrate on how she conceived in the first place? We could do it as a porno.”

“But Andrea, baby, the abortion sets up the rest of the plot. The scene shifts to a health spa where fashion photographer Carlo – we’ve got Nino Castelnuovo lined up for the role – picks up a foxy redhead played by Femi Benussi and they make out in the steam room. Whaddaya think, Andrea? Your kinda thing, baby?”

“I’m interested.”

“Then he takes her back to the studio he works for where there’s jealousy from one of the other models. Also, the predatory lesbian who runs the studio takes an interest in her.”

“Do they make out?”

“Um, I guess we could address that in rewrites. Anyway, it’s at the studio that we meet our other main character, Magda. That’s who Edwige’s playing. Magda’s an up and coming photographer who has a professional relationship with Carlo and they team up when a spate of murders –”

“Hey, how about she’s a photographer but what she really wants is to be a model and she gives Carlo a blow-job in the dark room to convince him to give her a shot. Because, you know, fuck the feminists.”

“Um, yeah, I guess we could do that. So anyway, Carlo and Magda find out that –”

“Does the redhead buy it? ’Cause I was thinking, maybe we could have her walk around a strange house stark naked for five solid minutes before she gets viciously knifed to death.”

“Andrea, baby, that’s why we called you! That’s what we want on this production: creative thinking, dynamic filmmaking, exciting set pieces. And tits.”

“Don’t forget the ass.”

“That’s what you’re here for, baby. You bring the T&A game. How about it, Andrea? Shoot it quick, don’t bother about composition or continuity. Nobody cares about acting performances. Let’s get this fucker in cinemas in two months’ time. Your usual fee and we’ll throw in crate of J&B. Whaddaya say?”

“Guys, I’m on board. What’s this thing going to be called?”

“We’re thinking either ‘Seven Deaths in the Camera’s Lens’ or ‘Death Wears Motorcycle Leathers and a Gender-Disguising Helmet’. Although the pizza delivery boy prefers ‘Six Drops of Blood on a Naked Corpse’.”

“Good call from the pizza dude. But, guys, how about ‘Strip Nude for Your Killer’.”

“Love it, baby. We start shooting in half an hour.”


Troy Olson said...

I got a good laugh out of this post.

I guess it shouldn't be surprising that a film with THAT title would end up being exactly as you describe.

But Edwige Fenech is in the temptation of watching will always be there.

Neil Fulwood said...

Thanks, Troy. Writing this post was infinitely more fun than watching the movie.

As an exercise in Edwige-worship, it's probably best approached only if the avenues of 'Your Vice is a Locked Room ...', 'The Strange Vice of Mrs Wardh' and 'Five Dolls for an August Moon' have already been explored.